Day 217

 Day 217, self quarantine:

Saturday, October 17, 2020

I’m pretty happy it’s the weekend.  I need to just chill by listening to music and watching the birds.

No news.  I just can’t.  I feel murderous every time I see/hear him so I am better off staying away.

Okay, I‘m lying.  I have to talk about it.

I just can’t figure these insane daily rallies out.

I’ve dubbed them Commander Cootie’s Super Spreader Farewell Tour.

So...did he have Covid?  If he did, is he willfully and wantonly spreading it?

Why would he want to infect his supporters?  

Not that I have a problem with that, I hope they all die grotesquely, gasping, “I can’t breathe!”

If he didn’t have Covid, why isn’t he scared he’s going to catch it now?

Gary’s theory is that he’s so deranged, he thinks he’s one of those Evangelical healers who thinks he is omnipotent and can give eyesight to the blind.

I think he’s so deranged he’s hoping the virus will spread like wildfire between now and November 3 and people will be too sick to vote.

Or, there’s theory three, the entire administration is completely incompetent and they’re terrified of deranged Donald so they just let him run wild with any ideas he has.

Donald still thinks it’s 2016 and these rallies are his path to victory.

All of our theories have a common thread. They all start with Donald being deranged.

There’s no getting around it.

And yesterday he did three rallies in three states!  He’s a 74 year old morbidly obese man with a terrible diet who either just had Covid or certainly had something that caused him to be raspy and short of breath...how the hell is he even alive?

I mean, I know he’s a monster but I didn’t know he was the Incredible Hulk!

Gary thinks they shot him up with stuff and he’s gonna crash.

But even I did not guess last night’s development.

“If I lose I may have to leave the country.”

Wait, what?

Where are you going, Donald?

Russia?

Saudi Arabia?

Why do you think you have to leave, Donald?

Did you...did you...do something wrong?

Do you think you and your hideous family may be going to prison?

Ha!  Of course you do.

It’s just a matter of time until we hear from Deutsche Bank, huh.

And your staff.

Welp, at least you shared your plans!

But hey, I’m worried about the White House china! That family is going to abscond with everything not nailed down!

And for Christ sake, take their passports!

Hahaha nah, let ‘em leave and good riddance.

They can take the china, too, we don’t want their cooties.

We’re gonna have to fumigate all of Washington, DC once they’re gone.

Ah...once they’re gone.

Music to my ears.

Which now sounds sooner rather than later!

The next two weeks are gonna be cray cray.

Hey, if it all leads to his resignation, arrest, or humiliating landslide defeat, I am so here for that.

In fact, I am going to start planning a victory dinner.

Hey, I’m gonna start celebrating tonight!  

Hand cut french fries, here I come.

Happy Saturday!

Day 216

 

Day 216, self quarantine:

Friday, October 16, 2020

Welp, this week went crazy fast.

My boss even texted me last night, “We killed it this week!”

We did.

My boss is so cool.  I really like him.  I hope he doesn’t disappear from my life after I retire.

Though I’ve been down this road before. 

Sadly, people do leave your life abruptly, people you see every day and can’t imagine life without.

Okay, I’ll stop.

I really am staying away from the news. I’m a wreck.  It’s too late and impossible for me to educate everyone at this point but those who know, know.  If Donald finds a way to pull this out, we’re in a dictatorship and worse.

And I am stunned how everyone just rolled over for the handmaid.

Never mind.  I’m changing the subject.

Gary got me my gourds!  They’re making me unspeakably happy and by the time they are withered it will be time to decorate for Christmas which I can’t even believe is happening soon.

I’m gonna fucking decorate every inch of this house.

So out of nowhere I’ve been listening nonstop to a record from 2011 that’s pretty far outside my usual taste zone - Black Keys El Camino.

I know, right?

I have Gary into it, too.

Trust me on this. Listen to Little Black Submarines with headphones.

https://youtu.be/6k8es2BNloE

Yessssss.

Music really is everything.  After this election is over, I’m purging all 2,000 political and news people I follow on Twitter and changing over to nothing but writers, musicians and foodies.

I want nothing but links to good music, books, pictures of dinner, and recipes.

Oh my god, how wonderful does that sound.

Utopia, huh.

It was my life up until November 8, 2016 and I didn’t appreciate how fantastic it was.

Please goddess, return that simple beautiful life to me and I promise I’ll never be ungrateful or unhappy about anything ever again.

Deal?

Deal.

I’m heading upstairs at dawn in hopes I can end the day a little early although technically, I guess I can, huh, there is no 9-5 in quarantine world.

Now see, I just found another perk in this apocalypse.

Happy Friday!

Day 215

 

Day 215, self quarantine:

Thursday, October 15, 2020

Okay, this week is freaking flying.

Yesterday I started doing one major project early that I knew would take a few hours and had to go out ASAP but then I got the “Omg you have to draft a Motion that has to be filed today, I’m on the road, email it to me and I’ll pull over and review it so you can efile it” hysterical phone call from my boss and then in the middle of that insanity, all taking place while wearing my new hot pink pajamas in Julie’s funky purple bedroom, I got another phone call from one of the firm’s New York partners who wanted to discuss my “status.“

Good times, people.

Actually, everything worked out.

You guys already know my status.  I shared it with him. 😜

Anyway...

Whenever I am rattled, I can get stuff done like I just walked out of a meth lab.

Nervous energy, man.

I aced everything.

And yeah, I had zero time to look at the news.

Welp, I did check Twitter briefly last night and it was all too much.

Luckily I’ve got another insane work day today and I am so here for that.  Losing myself in complex litigation is actually awesome right now and who the hell am I and what have I done with Robin?

Yeah, I can’t deal with Judge Handmaid or Dancin’ Donald and his Covid cooties.

Which covid cooties could be a lie, who the hell knows?

Who cares.

Hopefully it’s almost over.

Not his cooties, which he’ll always have, but his presidency.  

And if you still support him, please die.  

Painfully.

So in other news, I sent Gary out to buy gourds.

Here’s why my quarantine partner is better than your quarantine partner.

He came home with bags of Almond Joys, Rolos, Reeses, Mounds, and Heath Bars.

“They sell candy at Produce Junction?” I asked skeptically.

“ I went to Target,” he said.

“Gary, they don’t sell gourds at Target.”

“I know,” he grinned.

I looked at all the candy.  Even though I am a chocolate snob who likes imported stuff from Europe, he bought all my favorite junk stuff.  

Like, all of it. 

“I can’t believe you got this.  I thought we agreed we’re not giving out candy this year,” I said weakly.

Yes, being around this amount of chocolate makes me weak.

You got a problem with that?

“We’re not giving candy out this year, Rob! That’s for you!”

Omg, heart be still.

Naturally I’ve already torn through half the bag of Rolos.

I’m such an addict.  

Holy hell, if it tastes good or makes you feel good and it’s bad for you, you can be sure I’ll get addicted to it.

Gary, too.

We need several twelve step programs just to function but hey hey, whatever works, at least we’re 100% dysfunctional together.

And I dig the twelve steps.

I am pissed I don’t have gourds, though, but I found a contact free garden center that also sells blackberry bushes and small potted evergreen trees which attract birds in the winter, and they also have bushels of apples and pumpkins and you know we are so going there.

If I’m not in a diabetic coma by then.

Which could happen if I don’t hide this candy somewhere.

Sigh...

Alrighty, I’m off to paralegal world.

Happy Thursday.

Day 214

 

Day 214, self quarantine:

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Haha, here’s yesterday’s “waiting for Gary outside Trader Joe’s” portrait.

Woo, I am so busy this week in paralegal world I really didn’t have much time to look at the news or Twitter yesterday.

I’m relieved.

I think I’m going to allow myself to fall asleep on the plane, people.

Nothing I say or do is going to stop whatever’s going to happen.

I accept that now.

Though I did text Eric, “If Donald wins, I’m immediately deleting all of my social media so I’m not among the first arrested.”

Eric replied, “Good idea.”

Yeah, it’s come to that.

Surreal, huh.

That sight of him so fucking giddy, doing the jig and spreading his cooties for a bunch of hideous racists in Florida was bone chilling. 

The only other time he smiles like that is when he sees Putin.

Yeech, even thinking about him briefly makes me gag.  That’s some superpower you’ve got there, Donald.

Okay, I’m done.

So yeah, I’m really happy to be able to retreat to paralegal world.  Too funny, I’ve been realizing my attitude is changing. Now that I know I can retire this morning if I want to and I had a long heart to heart with my boss, I’m real chill at my job and I’m enjoying myself.

It’s nice to be somewhere because I want to be.  And right now that’s in my daughter’s former bedroom wearing pajamas doing legal stuff during the day, because it includes a lot of writing and is taking me totally out of my head.

But talk to me again after the election is decided.😎

In other news, I’m trying to be low key about this but on Monday I got a text from Eric.

“Are you open to us coming up for Thanksgiving?”

WUT?! 

YA THINK?!

IS A PIG’S ASS PORK?

Ahem, yes, we would be open to that, Eric.

Gary and I spent all last night on the menu.

It’s going to be incredible.

Look, we’re also realistic. There’s six weeks between now and Thanksgiving, we’re in an incredibly volatile time in this country between the election and Covid-19, and a lot could happen where Thanksgiving doesn’t happen at all.

Trust me, after seven months of quarantine, we’re used to major disappointment and the bottom line is engraved on our hearts, brains and souls.

As long as everyone stays healthy, we’ll get through this.  

To quote George Harrison, All things must pass.

But for now, it sure is fun to plan Thanksgiving dinner like everything is normal.

I just got this crazy Hogan’s Heroes scene typing that for some reason.

Oy.

Don’t mind me, I’m old and weird.

Clearly I should put down my phone.

Okay.

Time to go upstairs and sue an evil corporation.  

Happy Wednesday.

Day 213

 Day 213, self quarantine:

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Woo hoo, today marks seven months in quarantine!

Yay.

I know I said I wasn’t going to go there but I lied.

FUCK THIS NOISE.

I’ve had just about enough.

I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t be in favor of a total shutdown at this point and a federal mask mandate, including federal economic help for everyone.

WE HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED FOR SEVEN MONTHS WITH NO PLAN AND THE VIRUS IS GETTING WORSE.

And then we have Donald, who hosted a super spreader event last night in Florida and said, "They say I'm immune. I feel so powerful. I'll walk into that audience, I'll walk in there, kiss everyone in that audience. I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women.”

Ew ew ew.  If he ever kissed me, I would have to disinfect my entire body and after that I would need a way to wash out my brain.

Then he added, "It's risky. It's risky, but you gotta get out.”

Yeah, especially if you have a private helicopter and access to the best doctors and drugs in the world.

Donald is out of his fucking mind.

So he’s going with herd immunity?  Even though hundreds of thousands could die between now and January? And this is totally fine?

The government is okay with this?

Is everyone in government insane?

Rhetorical question.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

I know one thing.  I clearly need more Halloween candy.

I need to enjoy life again, even if I am a prisoner living in a leper colony in a dictatorship.

I also want to decorate this place with pumpkins and gourds and shit.

Why not, right?

Might as well have happy surroundings.

Okay, tomorrow I really will stay away from the news.  It’s just too toxic but I feel the need to record what happened yesterday.

But yeah, no news today.

It will be easy, I can’t bear to read about Judge Handmaid, anyway.

So I guess that’s it for this morning. I’m exhausted already.

I can’t wait to tell Gary he’s going gourd shopping today, though.

Luckily after a hundred years he’s used to me.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

Day 212

 

Day 212, self quarantine:

Monday, October 12, 2020

Yeesh, what a crap weekend.  It started out with an old acquaintance freaking out at me in Facebook comments, segued into an unrelated two day argument with my husband, and ended with the usual overeating of all things carbs and sugar.

I’m actually looking forward to being Robin Slick, paralegal today
and escape from the news and Gary.

Is it November 3 yet?

We’re pretty tense here at Casa Slick.

And a little terrified.

Anyway, I’m going to try not to be Debbie Downer between now and November 3, so let’s move on or it’s going to be a long three weeks.

I’m starting to think I should also turn off the television.

The political ads are making me nuts.

The sound of Donald’s voice, the sight of him, make me unbearably nauseous.

And I feel like if we just listen to music for the next three weeks, Gary and I will be in a much better place.

We’re both tentative and tender around each other following our mondo argument Saturday night.  I put my phone down most of the day yesterday and glared at Gary every time he smoked. 😎

Just kidding.  It’s all good.

So yeah, Gary destressed by going into the kitchen and making amazing roasted vegetable rice for dinner and we had pumpkin pie and ice cream for dessert and by the time we went to sleep we were well fed and relieved we managed to be civil to each other. A quarantine disaster was diverted.

So because we had our grand argument into Sunday morning, we didn’t do our much needed monthly seniors shopping  Trader Joe trip and now we’re out of coffee so even though it’s a work morning, we’re getting dressed and going out now so I can be back home and in my pajamas, signed into the office by 8:30 a.m. and omfg there are so many things weird about that statement I don’t know where to start.

Ugh, I so don’t want to go.

You better believe I’m getting cake.

I gotta be rewarded for this.

Ew, and it’s pouring out, like life isn’t grand enough on a Monday morning.

Fuck it, I’m keeping my pajamas on.  No one will know.

Fuck it, I’m getting cake and more pie.

And ice cream.

Does Trader Joe sell Halloween candy?

If not, they should.

If they do, I’m so buying it.

Speaking of pie, that’s another thing I love about autumn.  

Meanwhile, I can’t believe the Food Network is already advertising the Holiday Baking Championship and holy moly, it starts in three weeks.

November 2.

I just can’t.

I used to love all those stupid shows.

Now they’re just stupid shows.

Yeah, I’m gonna listen to music.

Happy Monday!

Day 211

 Day 211, self quarantine:

Sunday, October 11, 2020

So I was going to just say “no post today” because honestly, Gary and I had an argument that started at midnight and carried over into this morning and I’m exhausted.

I mean, it didn’t last all night, I stormed off to bed and he didn’t follow so I fell asleep and he came up whenever.

We rarely have blowouts and we have a policy of never going to bed angry but oh well, shit happens.

You should have seen Jake.  Omg, he looked so stricken.  We rescued Jake when he was almost two because he was in a home with a bitter divorce and he literally sat with his head down, cowering.

He’s not used to that with us.

The reason I tell you this is just to say we are normal, we’re human, we’ve been stuck indoors with each other for 2/3 of a year, and the argument was over something stupid but then you know what happens, once you start yelling, you get to the real grievances.

Gary thinks I’m on my phone too much.

I think Gary smokes too much.

You know what?

We’re both right.

In the end, we both agreed to cut back on our vices, but honestly, we also need to cut each other some slack. We’re in a freaking pandemic.  What we’ve been going through since March is unbelievable.  

So that’s today.

We’ve patched things up and we’re listening to @wxpn radio because the dj tweeted to Eric he’s playing his song.

Now if I wasn’t on my phone, I wouldn’t have seen that, but...

Never mind.  I don’t have to win every argument.

In fact, I’m going to start putting my phone down so Gary will cut down on smoking.

I have my priorities straight.

Happy Sunday!

Day 210

Day 210, self quarantine:

Saturday, October 10, 2020

I’m too angry to write.

My Facebook page is my cyber house.  If you don’t like me, don’t visit.

And don’t tell me what to write about.

Someone just suggested I stick to music.

Wouldn’t I love that, but Donald Fucking Trump ended music in 2020.

Think I’m being dramatic?

Talk to all the musicians, venue owners, bartenders, tech people, and roadies out of work and losing everything because this unfit, incompetent INSANE president mismanaged both the pandemic and the stimulus package.

My kids haven’t worked all year.

You don’t like what I have to say?  Unfriend me.  

It’s easy.

Happy fucking Saturday.