August 4, 2023

 Thought for today, and it’s a really good one:

“Fear doesn't prevent death. It prevents life.” - Naguib Mahfouz

August 2, 2023

THIS MAY BE THE HAPPIEST FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE.

July 31, 2023

 

I have a crazy busy week getting ready for vacation but I will stop in my tracks the minute Donald gets indicted for trying to overthrow the government.

Today’s polls show him crushing his opponents. Since the entire Republican Party is now a Christian Nationalist steaming pile of shit, that doesn’t mean anything to me. What does matter is how the actual fuck is this criminal even allowed to run for office and what the fuck is wrong with this country?

It’s demoralizing.

It’s made me ashamed of my fifty year legal career. I can’t even bear to discuss it. It’s funny, I dropped a happy 90th birthday email to my beloved boss of thirty years, and his reply to me included the sentence “no contact with legal world” (in 20 years of retirement) which totally reflected my sentiments.  We were always like that but hey, I started working for him when I was twenty-one years old, he shaped who I am as a person.

He was not your typical attorney, he was a mom and pop sole practitioner who actually helped people.

Anyway, my point is, he feels the same and called our current political climate “very troubling times.”

I’m a little more worried. I think it’s the fucking apocalypse. I don’t see an easy way out of this.

Anyway, in other news…

Tomorrow Jasper has his annual physical and last year the vet told us Jasper needs to lose five pounds.

Jasper did not lose five pounds.

Hopefully he did not gain five more. I’m not even kidding, I am positive he’s the reincarnation of Anthony Bourdain. He’s got a sophisticated palette and he stands next to Gary in the kitchen, watching every step of his cooking.

And his personality…woo boy.

Wednesday we’re going to the beach. No matter what. Even if Donald is indicted at dawn that morning. That’s the only exception because I need the sea and sand.

And then it’s basically cleaning and packing and getting ready for Julie’s visit Sunday and our annual trip to Woodstock Monday for a utopian week of great music, friendship, and beautiful atmosphere.

And then we come home in time for Eric’s visit and my birthday.

Have I mentioned how much I love my family and retirement?

Onward!

July 28, 2023

Whew, this has been an interesting week.

Monday started off pretty awful. I woke up to a distraught text from Julie in Ireland that her sweet little doggie had been involved in an altercation while she was away.

My job was to calm her down but I was completely freaked out. I managed to do it, though, and Gary and I took off for the beach on Tuesday to escape.

We had an absolute glorious day. Jasper is a swimmer. We talked about moving to Somers Point again and when I mentioned that I saw a few houses in our price range, Gary gave me the go ahead to keep looking so maybe…

I want to wait another year or so to see if we will be grandparents first. Gary insists he will never live in a red state but he’s a baby freak and all bets are off if that happens. I predict he will change his mind and want to buy the house next door to Eric and Natalie 😂

I’ve already entertained the fantasy that if Eric and Natalie have a family and need a bigger house, we will buy their current house so Eric still has his studio and everything can revert back to him when we die. I would do that in a heartbeat, his place is fantastic.

I’m learning nothing is impossible. See my next paragraph…

We returned to Philadelphia refreshed and then I got another text from Julie out of nowhere that she’s coming here for a week in November, for Thanksgiving AND Gary’s 70th birthday AND the Thanksgiving jam at Jon and Peters.

So…for the first time since 2019, the band is getting back together on Thanksgiving ❤️

I swear, why didn’t I have the wisdom I have now when I was younger? I just let the universe take care of things these days. I have no control over anyone or anything but myself. When I stay calm, even my crazy husband calms down, too.

Anyway, one more week until vacation in Woodstock. We’re gonna hit the beach again one more time next week before we leave, and we’re making excellent progress working on my latest house project.

No word yet on my new book from the querying I did but hey, at least that means it hasn’t been rejected yet.

Onward!

July 23, 2023

 

Good morning.

I’ve been thinking about the pandemic a lot lately and how we’ve moved passed it.

Or have we?

In trying to self-analyze why I’ve been suddenly hit with depression and cure myself, I realize what an emotional toll it took and how it totally and completely changed me and my family forever.

The pandemic occurred at a really pivotal time in our lives. The kids were in their early thirties and Gary and I were what we thought were a couple of years from retirement age. Eric and Natalie were newlyweds and literally made settlement on their house in Nashville in March of 2020, just days before everything shut down. It might have even been the day before.

Julie was fairly new to Seattle and I didn’t really believe she had decided to make it her permanent home. I was still used to Julie being a self-proclaimed nomad who lived everywhere from Tuscany to a pot farm in Humboldt County, California.

I finally had a job I adored after fifteen years of bouncing around from one nightmare to the next following almost thirty years at my beloved longtime job when my boss retired. Man, talk about taking something incredible for granted. But oh well, we all know that trips down memory lane are pointless and make you more depressed so…

Anyway, I had a great job and my boss and I had just gone through our first jury trial together in January of 2020 where we secured the highest personal injury verdict for a premises liability case in Pennsylvania for that year.

We didn’t even get the chance to celebrate. The news made the headlines in the legal world during late March of 2020.

The first months of the pandemic could not have been more horrifying. Gary and I watched news coverage of morgues overflowing with people over sixty years old…our age. In Italy, seniors over sixty were deemed to be expendable and left to die gasping for air so that overworked doctors could save the young. There were weeks when I was truly scared we would die on a weekend and no one would know because the kids were living their own nightmare and several days would go by where we wouldn’t hear from them.

We were terrified beyond belief.

And like I said, we couldn’t/wouldn’t express this fear to our kids thousands of miles away, because they were dealing with horrors of their own. As touring musicians, their income was completely cut off with no end in sight.

We aged during the pandemic. All of us. It robbed us of really important years.

This of course totally changed my kids, too. I worry that they’ll never feel the same about making music for a living again and that makes me sadder than anything. I know I am right about that and the only thing saving me is that other than typing it now, I don’t allow my brain to go down this path. I have no control over how others feel and I know that. My only job is to be here for my family when they need me.

But I’m a thinker and it’s hard.

Other terrible things happened during the pandemic that would normally bring us to our knees but was ten times worse then. Our dog died. Eric’s dog died. Julie’s relationship ended and she was facing homelessness. I found out I have a wonky heart.

Somehow, we survived everything.

So realizing how short life is, Gary and I retired in 2021 and suddenly time is flying by. And while we’re enjoying leisurely days just puttering around the house and going to the beach, fear has been creeping in. These carefree days can’t last. We’re approaching seventy years old. One or both of us will get sick. One or both of us will die. 

I have to stop thinking about this. We could have another twenty years, we could have another twenty seconds. Nobody knows.

But when you’re around seventy, the odds really increase you won’t be around in ten years.

I never thought about stuff like this before. It’s horrible.

But…

I can’t keep living in the future anymore than I can live in the past. I know this.

So, I’m writing this now as a reminder to be present. It’s sunny and we’re going out shopping for a special Sunday dinner tonight.

Today I am grateful we have mostly good physical health and everyone we love has that, too.  More importantly, Gary and the kids are happy. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

There’s really nothing else I need.

Okay, okay, I do admit to having an extra bounce in my step after Eric told me he’d be here for my birthday and Thanksgiving yesterday.  Haha too funny, he doesn’t know this because he hasn’t read it but the character in my new novel who saves the day is a Nashville record producer named Ric Swift and he’s totally based on Eric.

Life always imitates art, doesn’t it?

Onward.

July 22, 2023

Life can be amazing.

I’ve been pretty bummed lately, and it’s been a struggle to stay in the present. Missing my kids so much I feel sick is a real thing. 

Plus, I was pretty sure Jack Smith would be coming for Donald (again) last week and it was an incredible letdown when nothing happened.

But but but…

Once again we were woken up by blue jays…I talked Gary into doing stuff around here and not only did he happily oblige, I went off cleaning on my own and found $50 in an old handbag. I couldn’t believe it.

So I went downstairs to tell Gary, but he was outside repotting some plants so I checked my phone and all of a sudden I got a text out of nowhere from Eric, WHO WILL NOT ONLY BE HERE FOR MY BIRTHDAY BUT FOR THANKSGIVING, TOO AND NOT ONLY THAT, WE’RE GOING TO THANKSGIVING JAM AT JON AND PETERS IN NEW HOPE AFTER DINNER.

The last time our family went to the Thanksgiving jam at Jon and Peters was in 2019. That’s the video I posted above. I don’t have to tell you what happened next. 

It’s also the last time we were all together on a holiday.

Please don’t tell me to calm down. I am so fucking happy I will even be patient for Donald’s arrest but omg, if it happens next week I may faint from joy.

But see? This is why we must live in the present. I’ve spent the last few weeks miserable for no fucking reason.

One of these days I’ll grow up. I promise.

July 19, 2023

I’m sitting in the car with Jasper in the pouring rain while Gary runs into the regular supermarket for some stuff we can’t get at Trader Joe and the farmers market.

You know, the boring stuff like water and toilet paper.

Tomorrow we’re heading for the beach.  It’s like I need to go every few days now to replenish my soul and Gary feels the same way.

I’m having second thoughts about my novel. Meaning, maybe I should publish it through Amazon or Draft2Digital. I have a friend who just sold her book to an indie publisher and publication date is September, 2025.

I don’t even know if I will be alive in 2025. I never realized how many women die at age 70. And I already take five pills a day for heart failure and high blood pressure.

So I guess I will hang in there for a bit. Right now the first three chapters are with two agents and one independent publisher, and two independent publishers have the entire manuscript. I won’t query anywhere else yet and I’ll just try to enjoy the rest of my summer. I have a great vacation in Woodstock in a couple weeks and then when we come home I will be back at the beach for my birthday. I found an Italian restaurant with a porch nearby so who knows, maybe we will have dinner there and get a hotel room for the night. Like I said, how many more birthdays do I have?

Gary will be 70 in November. I’m not sure what to do about that. It’s right at Thanksgiving but I know better than to ask the kids…I won’t be able to bear the disappointment so I guess I will take a wait and see attitude with that, too.

See? This is why you can’t live in the future. It makes you miserable. I’m actually having an okay day, even if I am typing this in a supermarket parking lot in the pouring rain.

You know I am having a better day than Donald Trump 😂

 

July 18, 2023

 

Today is a great day. The ugly orange turd was put on notice he’s about to be indicted. President Joe says Hey! Enjoy your summer! Okay, that’s my plan, Joe. I’m heading to the beach. Lemme know when he’s in prison.

July 17, 2023

This morning we woke up to blue jays and cardinals in our backyard.

I’m going to take this as a sign.

Donald will be indicted (again) this week.

I will hear something fabulous about my new novel, even if it’s because I decide to send it to a friend who will tell me she loves if even if she doesn’t.

The weather will be amazing on Thursday which is my preferred day for the beach.

Okay, I made just three wishes because I don’t want to be greedy but come on, someone please throw me a bone. Right now I am biting my lip and sending happy comments to Julie in Ireland and I have vowed to be gracious and not bring up my birthday ever again.  

Hey, if I stop celebrating my birthday, maybe it means I will stop aging.

It’s a thought.

As long as it doesn’t mean I’m dead 😎.

July 16, 2023

 

Yesterday, Gary and I actually got cleaned up and left the house to go somewhere other than the beach—we went to LaScala Fire in NJ to celebrate the engagement of my cousin Danny to his beautiful girlfriend, Ally.

It was incredibly enjoyable. Good food and good people.

Of course everyone asked us about our kids and what they were up to and we went into our usual proud parents routine—Eric just came back from a six week European tour and Julie is currently vacationing in Paris and Ireland.

What I didn’t say was how much I miss them and the ache I feel that they’re not with me at this party.

I am so sad but I guess that comes with getting older.

Today is another day and I will be happy.

We have a fun week planned…more time at the beach, some work around the house which we’re actually doing regularly now like normal people, and a trip to the Italian Market to get some goodies and catch up with an old friend who has a record and book store there. Good food, records, books and the beach? Yeah, life could be worse, I guess.

I just wish I could get over how hurt I feel about all the missed special occasions and my birthday. But I’m working on it 😎

Realistically, I’m also really upset that they haven’t arrested Donald and his fellow insurrectionists in Congress and the Senate. So that’s really adding to my depression, too. I fucking hate Trump supporters, Republicans, and evangelicals. They’re all batshit crazy.