Day 86, self quarantine
It’s Monday and the start of week thirteen of the apocalypse for those of you still keeping track.
It looks like less people are quarantining. I personally am not that confident.
I’m still sheltering in place and limiting who I see. I really think this month is going to be very telling and I’m hanging out here until there’s a better idea if the virus is spiking again.
I hope not.
I read an interesting article that says the virus thrives in places like meat packing plants with recirculated air, but at beaches, not so much.
Fine, I will work at the beach all summer.
In other news, we killed it in the garden yesterday. Unfortunately I also killed myself.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay?” Gary asked as I leaned on my shovel after hitting something weird and trying not to scream.
Okay, me leaning on a shovel is a phrase I never thought I’d type but I digress.
“I’m fine,” I said weakly.
My shoulder did that weird thing again where it feels like it’s separated from its socket. The pain was excruciating.
I didn’t want to tell him. I just wanted to finish cleaning the yard.
But what did I just hit with my shovel?
“What’s wrong?!” Gary asked again.
“Nothing,” I replied except it came out in an unnatural high squeak.
Suddenly, I had a terrible, chilling thought.
Don’t faint don’t faint don’t faint.
“Hey, Gary? Can I ask you something? Where are Beavis and Butthead buried?”
Gary looked over at me and froze.
I stared back in horror.
Oh god.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
Gary started laughing.
“They’re buried by the center back wall. Why?”
Bastard! But thank freaking god.
I was digging at the right front side.
I hated those fucking hamsters, they’ve been dead since 1998, but the last thing I wanted to dig up and see were their mummified corpses.
They always used to escape from their cages and then sneak up and scare the hell out of me.
Once I was stoned and reached for a bag of Doritos...
Don’t even ask.
I’m lucky I didn’t die of a coronary.
I still don’t know what I dug up yesterday, though. I decided not to ask for an opinion.
I put my big girl pants on and powered through.
And then my neck and back betrayed me, too, and started screaming in agony along with my left shoulder and I thought motherfucker, I better not die right before this garden is finally finished, I will be so pissed!
Damn this getting older stuff is brutal.
“Can you come over here and hold the trash bag open for me?” Gary asked just as I was about to throw in the towel.
Yessssss.
I stood there doing my VIP job of holding a garbage bag open for Gary while I waited for the various spasms of pain attacking the various parts of my body to subside and then Gary asked if he could take a break and I almost wept in gratitude.
We went inside and had leftover cornbread and coffee and got our second wind. I went upstairs and snuck two Tylenol which did nothing but make me nauseous though I told myself it was working anyway.
We ended up getting a lot done and assuming there are no virus related scenarios, derechos, riots, etc. we’re buying outdoor furniture next weekend and planting lots of flowers.
That’s a pretty big assumption, though.
I think I saw the Farmers Almanac predicted an alien invasion this month.
I just want to get this project done before Mercury goes into retrograde on the 18th.
😂😂😂
So speaking of hamsters, this is what kind of father Gary is.
Beavis and Butthead had a sibling, Cornholio, who predeceased them by a couple months. Corny slept in a cage in Eric’s room.
Unfortunately Corny decided to expire the evening before Eric had an important test.
Gary noticed when he was tucking young Eric in.
Eric loved that hamster. He would have freaked out and never been able to go to school, let alone take a test.
So Gary got a spatula and moved Corny’s body around in his cage all night so Eric wouldn’t notice he was deceased.
Now that’s a dad.
I was grossed out for months.
Ah, memories.
Or mammaries, take your pick.
Needless to say, I am not feeling work today but I’m thinking of taking Friday off so maybe it’ll be a short week.
When I tell you every bone in my body hurts this morning, I am not even exaggerating a little bit.
Sigh...
I better head upstairs to the home office early before I don’t head up at all.
Sitting at a desk all day is going to be lovely NOT.
Luckily I am home, in pajamas, and have an excellent heating pad.
Later, fellow humans.
