Day 186, self quarantine:
Wednesday, September 16, 2020
Woo, hopefully I’m 100% today.
Wait, 100% what?
Okay, I will settle for just getting the paralegal stuff sorted out this morning and hope everything else falls into place.
Panic attacks are not fun. I probably said that already but I had a miserable start to the week.
It’s been years since I had panic attacks regularly and I am armed with tons of tools to ward them off.
But once you get that feeling where someone is sitting on your chest and you can’t breathe, it’s too late.
And one of my tools is gone. I can’t say, “This can’t be a heart attack, I’m too young,” anymore.
Also gone is my ability to have a shot of Jack Daniels or a tranquilizer.
Though I gotta tell you, that doesn’t work for me, anyway. My panic can cut through eighty milligrams of Valium.
I wish I were exaggerating.
Monday morning I was like Oh crap I’m having a panic attack wait a minute what if this is really a heart attack. How do I know the difference? Was I even anxious? I don’t remember feeling anxious. Oh god. What if this is a massive coronary? What if I die before I see my kids again...before I get to say goodbye and I love you so, so much.
And now I’m crying typing this.
Fuck.
Sigh... I really am okay. I’m just wiped out beyond belief. I think I’ve finally read too much about Trump and the virus and there’s so much horrific news I can’t process it anymore. I just want the election to be over and I want it to be a landslide Biden win so there can be no doubt. I want a safe vaccine. I want my kids to work again.
I just can’t imagine another year like this one.
Or worse, as some grimly suggest is coming.
Anyway, I need a break from the news and Twitter. At least for a couple days. I’m gonna paint rocks or something in my spare time.
Nothing I say or do is going to change any outcomes in this election or events before/after.
I know this. It’s me staying awake on a ten hour plane ride to Germany all over again, silently willing the pilot to fly all 200 of us on board to safety.
I can’t help it, it’s who I am. I guess it’s why I have panic attacks, I care too damn much.
My mom always used to say Ignorance is bliss. I don’t think I ever understand what she meant until now.
In the era of Donald Trump, empathy and intelligence are a curse.
The unwashed, uneducated are reveling.
Let’s hope that era ends on November 3.
It has to.
In other news, thanks for all of your kind comments yesterday. I’m a little too emotional to respond individually but I read them all and really appreciate it.
I know we’re all going through some things, believe me.
So that’s a wrap for today. I promise to return to our regular programming tomorrow.
Happy Wednesday.
