July 16, 2023

 

Yesterday, Gary and I actually got cleaned up and left the house to go somewhere other than the beach—we went to LaScala Fire in NJ to celebrate the engagement of my cousin Danny to his beautiful girlfriend, Ally.

It was incredibly enjoyable. Good food and good people.

Of course everyone asked us about our kids and what they were up to and we went into our usual proud parents routine—Eric just came back from a six week European tour and Julie is currently vacationing in Paris and Ireland.

What I didn’t say was how much I miss them and the ache I feel that they’re not with me at this party.

I am so sad but I guess that comes with getting older.

Today is another day and I will be happy.

We have a fun week planned…more time at the beach, some work around the house which we’re actually doing regularly now like normal people, and a trip to the Italian Market to get some goodies and catch up with an old friend who has a record and book store there. Good food, records, books and the beach? Yeah, life could be worse, I guess.

I just wish I could get over how hurt I feel about all the missed special occasions and my birthday. But I’m working on it 😎

Realistically, I’m also really upset that they haven’t arrested Donald and his fellow insurrectionists in Congress and the Senate. So that’s really adding to my depression, too. I fucking hate Trump supporters, Republicans, and evangelicals. They’re all batshit crazy.

July 14, 2023

One thing I address in my new novel is that while we have no control over bad things that happen to us or people who hurt us, what’s important to remember is, we have 100% control over how we react to adversity.

I could let how sad I am ruin my summer, or I can just say fuck you to everyone and everything and live in the moment with Gary and Jasper.

So on Wednesday, we went to the beach and honestly, I am wondering more and more why we just don’t sell our house and move there…there being a one story ranch house in Somers Point, NJ where dog beach is and still surprisingly affordable.

The kids moved away to places we don’t want to be, why should we stay here just because it’s convenient for them to see us once a year when they play Philadelphia?

I have a vague plan starting to form…we’ll be back at the beach next week…

So yeah, we had an amazing day at the beach followed by incredible Manco pizza with a salad by Gary.

All of my depression was gone and I had a big ass smile on my face.

Until…

Julie had mentioned that while she wouldn’t be here for my birthday, maybe she would take a red eye flight and get here at dawn on the Friday before we left for camp on Monday. So I said to myself at the beach, okay, I will settle for celebrating my birthday two weeks early and that Friday we’ll all go to dog beach and have donuts and pizza…

Except Thursday I woke up to a text from Julie that she booked her flight for Sunday morning, one day before camp, a day impossible to go to the beach.

And right after I read her text and started crying before I even had coffee, I got an email with my first rejection from an independent publisher for Leaving Candyland although it was a strangely kind rejection, telling me they enjoyed it but it wasn’t for them.

To be honest, I knew it wasn’t for them (they are very young) when I sent it to them and looked at their catalog but you gotta not think about stuff like that when you query because you just never know for sure.

But needless to say, all the great energy I had on Wednesday completely fizzled yesterday.

Today, however, is another day and I have a choice. I can be miserable again or I can look at Gary and Jasper, the two beings I love more than anything in the world, and be happy.

I choose happiness.

And I am also choosing to look seriously at real estate listings in Somers Point. 😎

July 11, 2023

 Have I mentioned how much I love that I’m not posting personal stuff on Facebook anymore and am actually feeling better physically now that I’m back here?

Anyway, funny story.  As everyone who knows me is aware, I have a real problem with organized religion and am an agnostic at best. 

But I do believe in the idea of a higher power and mine has one hell of a sense of humor.

Yesterday, while stalking my my mail waiting for responses for my queries for my new novel (as if), I got the idea to check my horoscope. I haven’t checked in a few months because (1) I’m not really a strong believer in horoscopes and (2) mine keeps warning me about my health and money which is enough to actually make me sick.

Anyway, yesterday I had a look at how the month of July will be for us Leos:

“You are on an extraordinary trajectory toward major career success, and you have every opportunity to put your name in lights on the big marquee. It does not matter what industry you work in—a big heavy door that you assumed would always be locked is opening for you.”

https://www.astrologyzone.com/forecasts/leo-horoscope-for-july-2023/

Hey, it gave me hope for an hour or so but then I remembered that my higher power does shit like this to me all the time and what now, I’m gonna believe in horoscopes and not god?

That’s insane even for me. 😎

But it was funny.

July 10, 2023

So I got the above Facebook memory today.  How in holy hell is my trip to Seattle two years ago already? It feels like last month.

Yeah, if there’s any drawback to retirement, it’s that time is going too fast. Honestly, when I worked, every Monday felt like it was a month long. I didn’t start to relax until Thursday. And forget about Sunday, it was wasted on me, I spent the whole agonizing day worrying about work. Through fifty years of working, even when I loved my job.

Now, time is whizzing by. Every day is Friday and it’s fantastic. Except for the getting older part and the knowledge that these happy days aren’t going to last forever.

I’ll be grateful for ten more years but I’m not real optimistic that will happen.

Anyway, in other news, here’s the query for my new book.

I’m thinking I can make it stronger but I’m really trying for less is more.

“Leaving Candyland is a bittersweet, comic novel about a baby boomer couple who have different ideas on how to spend their retirement. Joey, a former executive chef, is deeply attached to their home and its memories and is happy watching Matlock reruns on television all day while Linda, an artist, is anxious to join their celebrity chef daughter, Jazz, three thousand miles across the country in Seattle to begin an all new and exciting second chapter in their lives. When Jazz—who may or not be romantically involved with aging Food Television star and self proclaimed pasta king Chaz Chipolata—enlists Joey to help with a new business venture, Linda imagines it as an opportunity to get Joey to see things her way. But when Joey returns from Seattle with a whole new outlook, it’s Linda who now inexplicably clings to the past. 

Humorous and melancholy, Leaving Candyland takes a lighthearted look at a serious topic—the inevitable change and loss that come with aging—and reveals that life doesn’t necessarily end at retirement.”

I am not sure if this will entice an agent or not but I guess I will find out. It’s funny, I had such a great time writing this book because I wrote it with the idea I would self publish and therefore, I had zero rules to follow which really freed me up. See yesterday’s comments about Michael Strahan. But what happened was, I think it produced my best writing because it’s totally from the heart.

Anyway…at least it gives me something to obsess over other than missing my kids so much my heart actually hurts.

At least I hope that’s why it hurts.

July 9, 2023

Happy Sunday! Do I know how to break the fast or what?  That’s some serious organic black cherry jam.

There’s a family of blue jays in our garden and we’re watching the mom feed the kids while the dad hovers above and screams like a crow to keep away other animals.

Nature, man. It’s amazing. Speaking of amazing:

 

Yeah, animals are everything.

So in my new book, the heroine has what she calls an “old lady crush” on Michael Strahan. One night she smokes a joint or three and gets so wasted she goes online and applies to be a contestant on $100,000 Pyramid so she can meet him.

This may or may not be a true story. 😎

July 8, 2023

 I’m in so many places these days I’ve created a link tree here: https://linktr.ee/robinslick

I’ve also got accounts at Post, Mastodon and Spoutible but so far they haven’t interested me. I’ll add links if that changes.

While I’m still stalking my email regarding queries I sent, I decided to start my next book. Because why the hell not.

In other news, I can’t believe I fucked up my doctor appointment. I thought it was 8/3, it’s 8/8. Except I’ll be in Woodstock. Next available appointment is 9/14 so I took it.  Hopefully I won’t die before that 😂

Meh, I’m okay. I’m just depressed. I’m working on that and hopefully other stuff happens to make me smile in the meantime. My dog makes me smile every day so there’s that.

July 7, 2023

 So yesterday I threw caution to the wind and queried two agents and also sent the entire manuscript to two independent publishers who take unagented submissions.

I forgot how nerve wracking this is. I’m now stalking myself and checking my email every five seconds.

I know better than this, and 90 per cent of the time if they’re not interested, they don’t even respond.

I’m worried my actual query isn’t strong enough. I wish I had the guts to ask one of my friends for help but I guess I am trying on my own so I can keep any rejection to myself. I told Gary I did it and I kinda even wish I didn’t tell him.

Anyway…

I woke up to a surprise text from Eric, currently on tour in EU, that he might come to Philly next month for my birthday. I’m afraid to get my hopes up but fingers crossed. I feel so much less depressed today.

July 6, 2023

Much to my shock, yesterday I decided to query agents with my new book, even though it’s summer and everything shuts down in publishing world.

I can’t help it, I love this book so much. I wrote something I would want to read. I don’t connect with thirty year old heroines.

I’m not expecting anything, I just felt I owed it to myself to try.

And if by some miracle someone wants to represent me, I will work like hell for this book because I believe in it.

The end.

July 4, 2023

 Happy July 4 to those of you who still think we’re living in a democracy and actually have independence. Oh, and fuck you, Donald Trump and your hideous cult. Thanks for completely ruining America.

Anyhow…

This is exclusive blog content again, for my eyes and probably no one else but that’s the point.

I’m upset.

First the good news. I actually completed my first full length novel in over ten years. It’s called Leaving Candyland and what I hope I accomplished is addressing the dark side of aging with humor. It’s a beach read for women of a certain age, but I hope it’s more than that. It deals with loss and change and there’s definitely a moral to the story.

Now. What do I do with it?

I’m retired. If I try to get it published traditionally, the first thing they’ll ask me is what my marketing plan is.

I don’t want to work ever again. I don’t want anyone telling me what to do.

Also, I don’t want to be rejected. I remember how many times my last book was either ignored or cruelly rejected and opening that  email would be a knife to my heart.

So I should self publish it, right? I have almost 4,000 Facebook friends. I could sell it there.

Except…

It’s probably the best thing I ever wrote. I love this book. Am I selling myself short by self-publishing it without even trying for commercial success?

Gah! I don’t know. I’m thinking of asking a friend to read it but I don’t think anyone will be honest with me and they’ll say it’s great even if it’s awful.

Just like I would do if someone asked me. I mean, who is going to say that to a friend?

So I don’t know what to do. I still need to edit it just a bit more but I will wrap that up this week.

So that’s my good news.

I’m in a bad head because I’m hurt and I know there’s nothing I can do about it.

If you look at my social media, I have a very glamorous life. I get to brag about my celebrity kids all the time. To say I’m proud would be putting it mildly.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that Julie moved to Seattle and Eric to Nashville and they’re not coming back. I know it’s the way of the world now.

But it’s really hard for Gary and me on holidays and special occasions. We’re not just alone, we have to watch Julie and Eric celebrate with their partners’ families, who do live where they do.

It’s brutal. 

Holidays were so much fun when the kids were here. The house was always packed with their friends and Gary would be behind the barbecue grill cranking out his famous burgers…

I dunno. I guess I thought the kids would be over here for dinner at least once a week for eternity. Now I consider it a great year if I see them more than twice a year.

Again, I love them to the moon and back and I get it, I really do.

The one thing I still had was my birthday because since 2011, Julie and Gary always go to prog rock camp in NY the week before my birthday and Julie drives home with Gary for a few days to celebrate.

Eric is always involved with Natalie’s family the month of August. I accept that because it’s the month Nat’s sister and family visit from Germany and they all vacation together.

Anyway, long story short, Julie casually remarked to me the other day that she won’t be coming home with Gary for my birthday this year because she’s doing something with her partner’s cousins in NY after camp instead.

My heart kind of broke.

I think I’m doing fine and trying to be a better person but I haven’t been able to stop crying. I just feel like Gary and I are getting old and…oh fuck fuck fuck.

How many birthdays does Julie think I have left?

That’s the other piece of this. I haven’t told anyone but I don’t feel well and it’s getting worse. I have an appointment with my cardiologist on 8/3 and I’m scared.

People my age die.

Hopefully this is just me being a depressed hypochondriac. I can still eat, so there’s that.

Peace.

Sean Lennon ❤️

 

When I was nine years old, I saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show. I watched on my parents’ black and white television. I had already been warned by my mother that the Beatles were a dirty word in our house (not for the reasons they were banned in other homes like their long hair and lifestyle), but because rumor had it their music signaled the end of jazz and my father was a jazz musician.  Like millions of other kids who tuned in that night, I could barely contain myself. My nine year old body quivered…I can still remember the feeling like it was yesterday. I wanted to dance all over the living room…it was as if something broke inside of me that was holding me back and now I was free to fly. But I didn’t because I was afraid of my father’s temper. So I sat there and watched quietly.  

After that night, everything changed.

Less than a mile away, a similar scene played out at Gary’s house.

If you are a person of a certain age, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Our favorite Beatle was John Lennon. I’m not exaggerating when I say he’s part of who Gary and I are.

When you’re a kid, you fantasize about meeting your idols but deep down, you know it won’t happen. 

If you had told our nine year old or even twenty-nine year old selves that someday we would have a child* who would be friends and play a gig with John Lennon’s child, Gary and I would have rolled our eyes, laughed and said, “In what universe?”

So when I say our brains are broken, I am not joking. Not even a little.

What a crazy, messy, fantastic world.

*Eric also spent a day hanging out with Sean at the Moog factory but I don’t have a pic.  Like my mind isn’t blown enough.