Thursday, July 21, 2005

Bang Bang Bang

I'm rushing around this morning and will do a more coherent post at some point today I hope, but in the meantime, I found this to be hilarious. Okay, it's high school humor but certain things make me giggle and this was one of them. I apologize.

Oh, and in light of fuckwit's recent nomination to the Supreme Court, the timing of which of course is supposed to take our minds off that other fuckwit, Rove, I also want to post a letter to all you Republicans out there:



Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated Pennsylvania and California and we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the country of New Pennsylvania/California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that New Pennsylvania/California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S.mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you believe that you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

3 comments:

Katie said...

Last November, I was sure several states where going to quietly secede to Canada. Y'all are still welcome up here.

Hey, I just wanted to say HEARTY SUPER CONGRATULATIONS on your decision to quit your job. If anyone deserves to be writing full time, it's you! WHOO-HOO!!

RobinSlick said...

Thanks, Katie. I'm so psyched I can't stand it. I'm wishing tomorrow was my last day so bad...I really don't see how I can stay here another week now that I've made my decision. Plus, I hate the idea of him interviewing my replacement all next week...I don't want to be here for that. Plus I hate the work! I hate it, hate it, hate it. (Think I'm a little burned out?)
As far as seceding to Canada -- ha ha - I just wish they didn't have that friendly border agreement or I'd be moving there with my family to escape the draft if it happens. I'm actually planning on traveling through Canada with my daughter though I don't know if we'll get as far west as Vancouver, but you never know!

Katie said...

If you do end up here, you are more than welcome to stay with me!