Day 187

Day 187, self quarantine:

Thursday, September 17, 2020

Ah, I finally feel like myself again.

And the nice thing is, the week is almost over.

Yesterday began with the heartbreaking news of a young Philadelphia musician who couldn’t bear the pain anymore. 

 https://m.facebook.com/major.vanwinkle?tsid=0.7217849144712818&source=result

I immediately reached out to Julie and Eric feeling completely distraught and they’re okay, still just trying to take life one day at a time and finding joy in the little things.

Eric recently wrote about it, in fact.

“Some people out there are suffering much worse than me, and the amount of strain that 2020 is putting on them is insurmountable. A stockpile of debts that have no ceilings. At its worst: no foreseeable relief. It makes my heart hurt.

I do think there is always a way forward and I have gratitude for it. The world is continually changing and we’re adapting quickly, becoming more malleable as the days pass us by. I miss seeing faces in the crowd and I miss performing for everyone. I know that when the day returns, I will have a whole new sense of gratitude for the peaks and valleys.”

Here’s the rest of the article.  I’m so damn proud of him.

https://www.talkhouse.com/the-way-forward-eric-slick/

So yesterday, I literally sat down with a pen and notebook and made a gratitude list.

I’ve read on more than one occasion that making a gratitude list is cathartic and if you can force yourself to just write five things a day, there can be incredible benefits.

Of course this doesn’t work for everyone but here’s a great article why and you can make your own decision.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal

Writing my first five entries was easy.

I’m grateful for my family.

I’m grateful we’re in good health.

I’m grateful for a strong support system during seven months of quarantine.

I’m grateful I was gainfully employed during this apocalypse and I have a young boss who is someone I respect more than most people I’ve met in my long, cranky life.

I’m grateful for music.

As a writer, that was too easy.  This morning’s entries will be a little more challenging but I suppose I can start with a nod to Gary’s cooking. 😜

I’m not sure if I will keep sharing here what I write every day or not.  The pro side to that is it will keep me disciplined to do it like these daily entries, the con side is it might be too personal, or, let’s be real, too boring.

Or maybe we can have a group therapy day here every so often where we all list what we’re grateful for.

We’ll see.

So for those of you who messaged me, yeah that quadruple fatal shooting was about six blocks from my house.  Life in downtown Philadelphia in 2020, what can I say. We have a President funded by the NRA who screams LAW AND ORDER and I wonder if anyone has compiled a list of how many fatal shootings there’s been since Dementia Boy took office but yeah, yeah, I will shut up about that asshat, I am so over him.

By the way, whenever he tweets LAW AND ORDER I reply CHEESE AND ONIONS!

https://youtu.be/ePaHG6g7uFw

Probably only a handful of people get it but it makes me happy as hell.

I am probably going to be arrested if Donald is re-elected but hey hey, at least I will have a lot of cool cell mates.

In other news, Jake now nuzzles Gary on command.  That’s pretty awesome and maybe that will make today’s gratitude list.

It should!

Ooh, I just heard on the news we might not be turning the clock back October 31!  Yes!  The government is worried we might already have too much stress.  

Ya think?

I am so down with that!

I agree darkness happening at 5:00 pm in six weeks isn’t going to help anyone’s mental health.

So that’s it for today.  I’m still on my first cup of coffee and need another jolt of caffeine before writing in the aforesaid gratitude journal.

This morning I will try and reach down deeper though it’s tempting to just write “hand cut french fries.”

Stay safe and be grateful, everyone.

Happy Thursday.

Day 186

Day 186, self quarantine:

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Woo, hopefully I’m 100% today.

Wait, 100% what?  

Okay, I will settle for just getting the paralegal stuff sorted out this morning and hope everything else falls into place.

Panic attacks are not fun.  I probably said that already but I had a miserable start to the week.

It’s been years since I had panic attacks regularly and I am armed with tons of tools to ward them off.

But once you get that feeling where someone is sitting on your chest and you can’t breathe, it’s too late.

And one of my tools is gone.  I can’t say, “This can’t be a heart attack, I’m too young,” anymore.

Also gone is my ability to have a shot of Jack Daniels or a tranquilizer.  

Though I gotta tell you, that doesn’t work for me, anyway.  My panic can cut through eighty milligrams of Valium.

I wish I were exaggerating.

Monday morning I was like Oh crap I’m having a panic attack wait a minute what if this is really a heart attack.  How do I know the difference?  Was I even anxious? I don’t remember feeling anxious. Oh god. What if this is a massive coronary? What if I die before I see my kids again...before I get to say goodbye and I love you so, so much.

And now I’m crying typing this.

Fuck.

Sigh... I really am okay.  I’m just wiped out beyond belief. I think I’ve finally read too much about Trump and the virus and there’s so much horrific news I can’t process it anymore. I just want the election to be over and I want it to be a landslide Biden win so there can be no doubt.  I want a safe vaccine.  I want my kids to work again.

I just can’t imagine another year like this one.

Or worse, as some grimly suggest is coming.

Anyway, I need a break from the news and Twitter. At least for a couple days. I’m gonna paint rocks or something in my spare time.

Nothing I say or do is going to change any outcomes in this election or events before/after.  

I know this.  It’s me staying awake on a ten hour plane ride to Germany all over again, silently willing the pilot to fly all 200 of us on board to safety. 

I can’t help it, it’s who I am.  I guess it’s why I have panic attacks, I care too damn much.

My mom always used to say Ignorance is bliss.  I don’t think I ever understand what she meant until now.

In the era of Donald Trump, empathy and intelligence are a curse.  

The unwashed, uneducated are reveling.

Let’s hope that era ends on November 3.

It has to.

In other news, thanks for all of your kind  comments yesterday.  I’m a little too emotional to respond individually  but I read them all and really appreciate it.

I know we’re all going through some things, believe me.

So that’s a wrap for today.  I promise to return to our regular programming tomorrow.

Happy Wednesday.