Are the holidays over yet?

Yeah, right. Ho ho ho.

So there I was last night, feeling all smug because for once, I've managed to buy all my Christmas presents for the friends and family three whole days before December 25 - no standing in line with the other clueless masses of humanity on Christmas Eve this year for the first time ever...and then I remember something. I have to wrap the fuckers! Oh my god, I took stock and must have bought over 1,000 gifts. I don't even have a freaking roll of scotch tape in this house and a frantic search in the basement led me to one damp and slightly chewed (see, I knew there were critters down there - no one believes me) moldy roll of Santa paper left over from last year. I don't even have name tags! Where the hell is my head these days?

So I guess I'll be wrapping gifts with newspaper and band-aids (I found two boxes of those!) and scrawling the recipient's identity with magic markers.

Oh who am I kidding. I'm going to have to be pushed and shoved at the dollar store today with two million other people, juggling what's left of their already crappy gift wrap and bow selection, praying they still have name tags...but I'm gonna "borrow" my scotch tape dispenser from work because, well, enough is enough. And sob...my family will be out tonight because as I acted all haughty when they told me they weren't finished shopping and they informed me that they had not and had to go out this evening, and I thought oh goody, I can get drunk tonight all by myself and pass out all comfy under the tree...that's when I actually realized that instead I'm gonna have a broken back and paper cuts all over my hands as I wrap, wrap, wrap. Christmas Eve isn't an option because the kiddies will be here and we always do something fun here - even if it's merely the kids and their friends watching me get wasted on eggnog and acting stupid.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Oh well. Brandy and cookies for dinner tonight for me. I'll deal with the doctor's orders to diet and exercise for my blood pressure next week. Eating a salad under the circumstances is cruel and unusual punishment and I'm just not into that unless it involves....

Never mind.

Anyway, the best is, I get to go back to New York City on Sunday - one day after Christmas. My son has a gig at BB Kings Blues Club on 42nd Street. I can't even think about it.