Day 193, self quarantine.
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
So the saga of my ill-fated online purchases continues.
I have no clue why I have these problems,
I’ve been shopping online for twenty years ever since Gap online magically appeared and I never had to set foot in their store again for my black t-shirts.
Oh wait, yes I do know why, it’s because I only have problems with online ordering when Gary is involved.
Because he hates computers.
Yesterday I had to call customer service to figure out why a tracking notice showed I was getting a child’s outdoor chair instead of the 8 x 10 area rug I bought with Gary’s actual blessing.
I was on hold for an hour and twelve minutes. While on hold, I drafted a pleading with seven Defendants and my boss thought it would be cool to insert color pictures in the liability section.
ARGHHHHHHHHH.
If you barely know how to negotiate Windows 10 Microsoft Word, which by the way is the stupidest fucking program ever, and you’re trying to format a twenty page document, attempting to insert pictures which you are also trying to scale down simultaneously was akin to a senior citizen trying out for clown college.
I started screaming at the computer.
“Are you okay?” Gary yelled from downstairs. “Do you need help with something?”
Yeah, a new brain.
I heard him start walking up the steps.
Fuck! I was still on hold. I did not want him to hear the telephone exchange about the rug. I’d never hear the end of it.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. Computer froze. I’m really busy,” I yelled.
I heard him go back downstairs.
You’re not going to believe what happened next.
Around fifteen minutes later, Gary appeared in the doorway laughing.
“Your new rug is here,” he said.
Wait, what?
“I think it’s the wrong one,” he said, laughing even harder.
I let out an exasperated sigh.
“Okay, so it’s a chair,” I said, grabbing my phone and hanging up since it was obvious the call was no longer necessary.
But Gary stopped laughing and stared at me like I was insane.
“Huh? A chair? What are you talking about?”
I made a face at him.
“I already know it’s a chair,” I said.
Gary continued to stare at me.
“What chair? Are you trying to tell me you bought a new chair? Where the hell are we going to put a new chair? We can barely walk around in here now. And I thought you weren’t going to make major house purchases without telling me anymore.”
“I didn’t buy a chair,” I said.
“What?! You just told me you bought a chair!”
“No, I didn’t,” I said.
He stared at me even harder.
“Are you going through menopause again, Rob? Because if you are, please tell me now so I can drive to Nashville and live with Eric and Natalie.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
But if there wasn’t a chair downstairs....
“Why were you laughing about the rug, then?” I asked nervously.
“Well, for one thing, it looks like a totally different rug from the one you showed me, but more than that, it’s tiny. It looks like when we unroll it, it could fit in our foyer.”
Fuck! The foyer rug!
Fuck fuck fuck, I forgot to tell Gary I ordered it.
I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be here until Friday. I just didn’t get around to it yet.
“Uh, it is a rug for our foyer,” I said.
“Rob...”
“I hit “buy now” accidentally,” I said.
“Just stop, okay?”
“Okay, so it’s a chair,” I said, grabbing my phone and hanging up since it was obvious the call was no longer necessary.
But Gary stopped laughing and stared at me like I was insane.
“Huh? A chair? What are you talking about?”
I made a face at him.
“I already know it’s a chair,” I said.
Gary continued to stare at me.
“What chair? Are you trying to tell me you bought a new chair? Where the hell are we going to put a new chair? We can barely walk around in here now. And I thought you weren’t going to make major house purchases without telling me anymore.”
“I didn’t buy a chair,” I said.
“What?! You just told me you bought a chair!”
“No, I didn’t,” I said.
He stared at me even harder.
“Are you going through menopause again, Rob? Because if you are, please tell me now so I can drive to Nashville and live with Eric and Natalie.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
But if there wasn’t a chair downstairs....
“Why were you laughing about the rug, then?” I asked nervously.
“Well, for one thing, it looks like a totally different rug from the one you showed me, but more than that, it’s tiny. It looks like when we unroll it, it could fit in our foyer.”
Fuck! The foyer rug!
Fuck fuck fuck, I forgot to tell Gary I ordered it.
I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be here until Friday. I just didn’t get around to it yet.
“Uh, it is a rug for our foyer,” I said.
“Rob...”
“I hit “buy now” accidentally,” I said.
“Just stop, okay?”
Gary shook his head.
“Okay.”
Ugh, at that moment, I realized I hung up on customer service and now we’re still getting a child’s outdoor chair delivered today.
There was nothing I could do, I had to finish the volume of War and Peace I was working on for my boss and fire it off to him.
Hilarious, right?
Oy.
Today should be fun.
Oh well. I just hope the new rug arrives eventually.
Man, if someone ever wants to do a remake of I Love Lucy starring two stoner baby boomers during the apocalypse in 2020, Gary and I are your people.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh well. I got nothing else today, still trying to keep my distance from Donald and his hideous cult of freaks.
I think I’m gonna have some veggie sushi for dinner.
I have a craving.
Today I’m grateful for avocados, sweet potatoes, miso soup, seaweed salad and rice.
“Okay.”
Ugh, at that moment, I realized I hung up on customer service and now we’re still getting a child’s outdoor chair delivered today.
There was nothing I could do, I had to finish the volume of War and Peace I was working on for my boss and fire it off to him.
Hilarious, right?
Oy.
Today should be fun.
Oh well. I just hope the new rug arrives eventually.
Man, if someone ever wants to do a remake of I Love Lucy starring two stoner baby boomers during the apocalypse in 2020, Gary and I are your people.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh well. I got nothing else today, still trying to keep my distance from Donald and his hideous cult of freaks.
I think I’m gonna have some veggie sushi for dinner.
I have a craving.
Today I’m grateful for avocados, sweet potatoes, miso soup, seaweed salad and rice.
Happy Wednesday.
