Clinical depression

"You're just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You've got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It's all down to you, mate."

"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."

"The only hope for us is peace. Violence begets violence. You can have peace as soon as you like if we all pull together. You're all geniuses, and you're all beautiful. You don't need anyone to tell you who you are. You are what you are. Get out there and get peace, think peace, and live peace and breathe peace, and you'll get it as soon as you like." John Lennon.

*************

I still can't face the truth of what's happened.

Everyone and everything is pissing me off today - I can't even be civil to a single person.

I work in a law office where no one even gives a fuck; I'm so overloaded with work that means NOTHING; I don't even want to go home tonight, either. I just want to disappear.

Even my on line writing group, where I go to escape for comfort, is so full of trolls and gleeful Bush supporters I want to quit that site as well...just delete my membership...poof...the nice of thing about cyberworld, you can do that. One click and you no longer exist. I think it might be time for that, anyway...face my demons in the real world and move on.

I just wish I could crawl into someone's arms right now and cry. I've never felt more alone. And I'm the one who keeps insisting she loves being a recluse.

Sorry for the dramatic overwrought post, but it's how I feel and what the hell do I care who reads it.

Everything is really, really fucked.

Not just heartsick, devastated...

I stayed up all night, weeping.

And now I just heard the Republican's gleefully announce that they've won Ohio and that President Bush hasn't made a statement yet because "he's letting Senator Kerry reflect on the election results".

And that Bush killed Kerry in the popular vote (I haven't checked this...it doesn't matter...nothing matters anymore).

I want out of this country. Funny how sometimes decisions are made for you. I can't do it - I can't listen to him for another four years. I can't watch that smug face, that smirking moron, being sworn in.

And the Republicans picked up even more members of the Senate and Congresss. We are so, so screwed.

That being said, I'm really sorry about today's installment of my novel posted below. It sucks even way worse than the two prior chapters. I wrote it last night drunk and in pain. It might be my last public posting. I don't have the heart for anything. But again, a friend told me that if I stop writing, then I really have let the terrorists...Bush and Cheney that is...win.

I can't think rationally let alone write anything worthwhile. I just want to go to bed and assume the fetal position.

I don't know how I'm going to go to work today.

I don't know how I'm going to even go upstairs and get dressed.

I knew this was coming -- I was all over America this summer and saw it first hand; that this country isn't made up of the free thinking liberals with whom I associate on the east coast. But when I came back home and told my friends they told me not to worry, that it would all work out, that they had faith in the American people...that they have intelligence, taste, and will do the right thing.

I see Ashlee Simpson on T.V. and know better. She looks good with her mouth taped, doesn't she? I know if I were a guy fucking her, that would be a pre-requisite.

I'm heartsick.

Now completely and irrationally paralyzed with fear...

Okay, I'm now unable to do anything but drink.

No, that's not me in the pic and I apologize for that photo - I couldn't find a better one and I'm definitely alcohol impaired.

Worse, I made the mistake of reading over my unedited novel excerpt. Yes, I do realize it's all boring exposition. I will fix that.

Go Kerry! (she said weakly)

I'm paralyzed by fear over this election and can't write

So I'll post art.



Anyone want a lesson on Titian? Though a more interesting one would be Caravaggio...I want to post a painting of his as well but the ones I found on line are all too big and I haven't mastered shrinkage (snicker)

How about a taste of Gustave Courbet?

Disclaimer #57

Please do not read today's novel excerpt unless you are a masochist. I am so severely stressed over this election I can't even think coherently let alone write.

Additionally, this is shaping up to be the day from hell. When I got home from work last night, there was a message on my voicemail not to forget my dental appointment at 8:00 a.m. this morning. I mean, it's just a routine cleaning but what the fuck ever possessed me to make an appointment so early? Oh yeah, right, my job...I forgot. And speaking of that, that's my next problem. When the building was evacuated yesterday, I was in the middle of preparing a trial brief. The hearing is at 10:00 a.m. I figured I'd get into the office early and finish it so I didn't have to rush. Ugh. Now it means I'll barely make it in by 9:15 which will give me about a half hour to do an hour's work. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

In what should be better news but I'm too nervous to enjoy it, my daughter and I are voting together at 7:00 a.m. I fear long lines tonight, especially in my neighborhood, because as much as I hate to say this, we're very much divided here because this is an upper income area. The last mayoral race was a big deal because we have an African American mayor and it turned decidedly ugly between whites and blacks and our polling place had a crowd stretched around the block when I tried to vote after work. Anyway, as I keep babbling, I'm nuts over this election, and I'm just hoping my daughter will be good luck. This is the very first time she's voting, having just turned 18 in January. We went over the candidates together - not just President, but senator, Pennsylvania representatives, etc. and it's not possible for either of us to just simply pull the straight Democratic lever unfortunately. We have a Democrat maniac in the PA House who is an old time mobster and thief and we checked out his Republican opponent who thankfully is pro-choice and pro-environment. So we're going to have to hand pull each candidate individually instead of just pulling that big Demo lever like I usually do.

Okay, I'm officially shaking. I can't write another word as concerns my novel, my thought process is completely off kilter, and have I mentioned I hate going to the dentist? Arghhh.....

P.S.

What I want to know is this: Why didn't it happen closer to 5:00 p.m. so I could have just gone home. Now I'm exhausted and sweaty and stuck here for ten more minutes and wondering, after seeing what it's like out there, how the hell I'm going to get a cab home.

Sigh...I guess I'll be walking. So much for working on my novel tonight.

Ha. As if I could do that with the kids having band practice tonight.

Oh well. Maybe I'll wear headphones and use the laptop upstairs. I'm still pathetic with the laptop. I can't get used to not using a mouse, and the keyboard is for people with tiny fingers.

Okay, okay, I'll make notes in longhand in a composition book. That's the way I always used to write, anyway. There's something satisfying about that, too. Well, if you're warped like me there is.

Because I realize, after looking over the first installment of my novel, that I am desperately in need of dialogue. That's the trouble with writing non fiction - you forget about stuff like that.

Evacuate the building!

So this was great. We just had to evacuate our office building because of a bomb threat. We're right across the street from Kerry campaign headquarters.

What was particularly awful about this is usually we just have a fire alarm that goes off. This time we had a loudspeaker.

"An emergency has been declared. Please leave the building at once!" and this kept repeating and repeating.

Ugh, we're on the 14th floor. I freaking flew down those steps. Meanwhile, there is total insanity out on the streets. Honk if you love Bush, Honk if you love Kerry - so of course everyone is honking and then there are fire trucks with loud sirens rushing to my building. It was nuts. Here's what amazes me. An emergency is declared and all the tenants hang directly outside the building like idiots. I mean, if you got a message An emergency has been declared, evacuate, why the fuck would you stand anywhere near that place?

Since there's only three elevators in this cheesy place, even after we were cleared to go back, it took a half hour. I'm still wondering what the emergency was. No one is talking.

Disclaimer part II

On the walk into work just now, I realized what a stupid idea this is. My unedited work is horrible. I made an analogy that this is akin to being 40 years old and naked in Bloomingdales window. Err...no. I'd rather be naked in Bloomingdales window any day, in fact, I'd rather be naked, extending my legs in the air and shooting out ping pong balls.

I'm not sure that I can do this. I'll try...but I might have to abandon the idea of public posting and just return to using the blog as my own emotional Prozac and writing the novel in private.

Plus, I'm not joking about election jitters. I'm terrified, no, horrified, by George W. Bush. I can't stop worrying. It's affecting everything - I even yelled at the dog on his walk today because he sensed my tension and wouldn't play catch. Every morning I toss a tennis ball around with him for exercise at our stupid excuse for a dog park in my yuppie neighborhood. He insisted on bringing his giant dog treat along on the walk, which he always chows down before we go out, and then wouldn't eat it or drop it...he just kept looking at me with it hanging out of his mouth like he expected me to just leave him alone and play with myself.

Hahahaha - I guess he knows more about me than most people.

Disclaimer...

Ack..this just in...I made the mistake of reading over what I wrote and I found like 20 errors and made corrections but it still sucks.

Anyway...

Below are my first NaNo words - I think around 1,700 of them so I'm keeping pace. I had a beginning already mapped out and decided I hated it around 5:00 a.m. today so I completely re-wrote it. I'm not happy with this one, either - it's not my usual style of writing, but I'm stuck now because I have to go to work and the kids have band practice here tonight...arghh...so either don't read it or read it with the knowledge that I'm gonna tear it apart later.

But hey, I did it! Even sick with worry about the election. I've been shaking all morning...I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two days.