Monday, July 02, 2018

An open letter to the Food Network

Dear Food Network, and your ugly little step-sister, Cooking Channel:

I am trying, in this era of Trump, to combat his meanness and negativity with just the opposite.  I am trying to be kinder and softer, and for the most part, I have.  But there are two exceptions to my new rule, people who support Trump, and, the Food Network.

I know, I know.  With everything that's going on - babies in cages, the end of net neutrality, Pruitt, Zinke, and the hellacious timing of Justice Kennedy's retirement and the possible ramifications of a challenge to Roe v Wade and I dunno, the appointment of a new Supreme Court judge who thinks a President should also be King...Robin, why do you care about the Food Network?  Well, I'll tell you.  It's where I go to escape from reality, and for the past several years, it's worked out well for me.  BUT WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO THEIR PROGRAMMING?  WHY DO I NEED TO SEE GUY FIERI FOUR DAYS/NIGHTS A WEEK?

Listen, one night of Guy Fieri is too much.  The dude can't cook, he's loud, he yells at the camera, and his fans all look like they all wear MAGA hats.  The entire free world makes fun of Guy Fieri.  Look at him!  The dude loves Nickleback!

Hilarious, right?

I also don't want to see this witch for an hour every morning, every afternoon, and how many freaking times on the weekend?

Good lord, how can anyone stand to listen to that chalk on a blackboard voice?  And her recipes...oy vey!  I guess if you like Cool Whip and Velveeta, she's your woman.  But oh, how she lies like Trump with her "life on the ranch is such hard work" bullshit.  She's filthy rich, with a staff.  And oh yeah, there's some fishy business surrounding the Drummond family:

So Food Network (and Cooking Channel), what the hell?  Why are you putting these obnoxious people on your station, which is called FOOD NETWORK.  Neither one can teach a person anything about cooking and fine dining.  We don't want to watch them play act in their ridiculous mansions with the insane custom kitchens.

Which of course brings us right here:

No, no, no, no.  We don't want to look at this, nor do we want to watch her cook, since it's now public knowledge that she doesn't EAT.  She has a spit bucket for Chrisssakes.

Also on this list of unappetizing people who did not go to culinary school and simply shout or vamp for the camera:

Sunny and Katie Lee, how the hell are you famous?  Sunny, if it's not made with store bought ingredients, she's not interested, and Katie's claim to fame?  She married Billy Joel when he was like 90 and she was like 20. 


I can't even really comment on these two, other than to say their appearance as hosts on Wedding Cake Championship is probably the worst thing I've seen on television...EVER.  As was the show itself.

Speaking of baking shows, which genius chose this imbecile as a Judge on Best Baker of America?

Are you kidding me?  You looked at all possible candidates to judge internationally award winning bakers and you chose the country bumpkin home baker who won a clearly fixed contest?  That was so embarrassing. 

So where does that leave us?   Well, we still have Tuesday and Thursday nights, which are still dedicated to Chopped and Bobby Flay.  The Chopped kids are cool, but WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU ADDED THIS P.O.S.?

Why?  Why?  Martha Stewart is the world's biggest pain in the ass.  Nobody wants to be like her.  No one with a brain takes her seriously.  NO ONE WITH AN APPETITE WANTS TO EAT HER FOOD.  And what's really scary is, I looked up her age.  Holy hell, she's 76.  How much Botox has she had?????

So now Chopped is ruined, too.

I think even Bobby Flay knows where the Food Network is headed.  It's a dumpster fire.  He quit Iron Chef, and to my knowledge, his only gigs now are Beat Bobby Flay and once a year, Food Network Star.

Um, about Food Network Star this year.  There isn't one.  A star, I mean.  Omg, where did you find that group?  The only chef even remotely appealing is Chris, the guy from NY.  The rest of them aren't even pleasant to look at (your usual only qualification, with the exception of Jason Smith, who is just so freaking horrible and weird you had to pick him).  Ha ha, I didn't watch last night's show yet, so what do you bet Chris was sent home?  Nah...I think I'm right and the fix is already in and he's the winner.  We haven't had a white dude win since Jeff Mauro won in 2011.  Wait a sec, I'm wrong.  Didn't a pervert win shortly thereafter? Lenny something...he looked like a porn star...

Hahahaha - I just looked him up.  Fail, Food Network.  You really failed big time with Lenny in 2014.

Oh, and let's talk about Beat Bobby Flay.  No, let's not.  Could that program be any more FIXED?  Bobby is like Zoro -  he leaves the sign of the Z in everything he cooks, only in his case, that would be Calabrian chiles.  So of course anyone judging that show knows what Bobby cooked, Jesus, he puts chiles in ice cream....

Let me see.  Have I forgotten anyone?  Hmm...let's take the high road and talk about what's good on the Food Network.

Alex, Amanda, Marcus, Marc, Scott, Chris andTed from the Chopped gang are all smart, funny, and went to freaking culinary school.  I love the Chopped kids...oh wait...I thought of another Chopped exception:

Ugh.  No, Maneet.  That is one shit eating grin.  You are mean and nasty, and not everything has to be spicy.  The other two judges will say positive, nurturing things, and you jump right in there with the knife.  Funny, I've never seen you win a cooking competition.

Other real chefs I respect on the network are Jeff Mauro, Geoffrey Zakarian, Damaris Phillips and Ina Garten.  And while not a chef, I love old guard Alton Brown.

These people are real chefs, not TV personalities like the goofballs mentioned above.

Finally, Food Network, your programming has been hideous.  Where are shows for actual cooks and bakers?  Vegetarians?  Asian food?  The entire U.S. isn't from the South and Midwest.    Instead, you give us:  CARNIVAL FREAKING EATS!  GINORMOUS FOODS!  MAN VS FIRE!  DALLAS CAKES!  VEGAS CAKES!   We also don't want to see Z List former celebrities Valerie Bertinelli, Tiffany Thiessen, Patti LaBelle, Rev Run COOK.  THEY CAN'T TEACH US ANYTHING AND THEY ARE LIKE WOODEN STATUES IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA!

Seriously, are you guys in programming all there?  Or do you think that just because Trump is President, the entire country is a TRAILER PARK?!

Aw, screw it.  I'm just gonna watch the Great British Baking Show on PBS and reruns of Top Chef on Netflix.


(But not the guys from Chopped)

(Except Martha Stewart)


I feel better now.

Back to music tomorrow.