Sunday, March 11, 2007

And here I thought all the best jokes were about blondes...

This is how I know I really am a dork. I saw this on someone's live journal page and lifted it because I think it's cool.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not just a mere dork, I'm an uber geek. Oh well. It could be worse.

Okay, first let's dispense with the writing stuff.

I personally find the following hilarious, but with all due respect, maybe you have to actually be a writer to fully appreciate them:

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."

True story:

Sinclair Lewis arrived at Harvard - drunk, as usual - to talk about his craft.

"Hands up, all those who want to be writers!" he yelled. Everyone's hand went up.

"Then why the hell aren't you at home writing?" he asked, and staggered off the platform.

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I can't tell whether you mean 'change a light bulb' or 'have sex in a light bulb.' Can we reword it to remove the ambiguity?

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one. But first they have to rewire the entire building.

Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Does it HAVE to be a light bulb?

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.

Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold down the author.

Q: How many booksellers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, and they'll be glad to do it too, except no one shipped them any.

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.

“What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”


Thanks to one of my favorite authors, Maryanne Stahl, for turning me on to these.

And speaking of my extraordinary writer pals, here's something I received in my email from Ellen Meister, and my only regret is that I'm exempt, though how weird is this, my name is already a character in a Canadian play...I tried to find the link on Google which I discovered around six months ago but gave up...anyway, that Robin Slick was a man and I remember something about him being "greasy" which naturally did not exactly thrill me but I stil couldn't get over it.

Oh what a surprise, I went off track for a change. Focus, Robin. Okay.

Here's what Ellen has to say:

"Hi! I'm happy to announce a new promotion I'm calling the ...

"I Want A Freaking Character Named After Me!" Drawing

At last, the opportunity to curse like an angry housewife and have a chance to be immortalized in print ... all with one simple email.

Anyone who's read Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA will have an easy time entering. Here's how it works ...

1) Send an email to me at win(at)ellenmeister(dot)com

2) In the subject line, type in Maddie's favorite multi-syllable curse

3) In the body of the email, type in your name as you'd like it to appear in my next book

That's it! After May 31, 2007, all entries with the correct curse phrase will be entered into a drawing. One lucky winner will get a character named for them in my next novel.

Good luck ... and happy cursing!


P.S. One entry per person, and you must be 18 or over.

Ellen Meister, author of Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA. Visit my website at"


I think Ellen's contest is absolutely brilliant, don't you?

You know, I've said many times that I hate religion and profess to be a heathen but there is more and more growing evidence that I do in fact have a higher power, and his/her humor just keeps getting more and more twisted. I have absolutely nothing lined up until the summer in both writing and I'm-a-groupie-for-my-kids world except a book convention on the other side of the country from April 25-29, which I mentioned here on Friday. So what do I read in Neil Gaiman's journal this morning?

"Seeing the Village Voice has just leaked it, and a few of you have written to ask about it, yes, I will be a Guest at the PEN World Voices Festival at the end of April. I can't give you any other details right now, but the curious should go here and sign up for the Festival mailing list for more information."

Naturally, this is from April 25-29 in New York City, an hour and fifteen minutes from my house. Sob...and you can bet that all of my New York writer pals -- like the currently missing in action Susan Henderson will be there sipping martinis and hanging with Neil while I'm on the other side of the country partying with faeries and vampires.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Speaking of Susan, man it's been a long week without her. Poor baby has been on a five star Caribbean cruise as per her website, which, thank God, says she'll be back tomorrow where I suspect it will be business as usual with the ever so coy Susan not giving us any details as to where and why.
Finally in writing news, a HUGE congratuations to fellow Phaze author Alessia Brio, who took top honors last night at Epicon, winning best erotic e-book of 2006. Actually, I see a lot of Phaze authors on that list so...yay!!!!
Music news:

Eric has some jazz gigs coming with amazing sax player Elliott Levin and something else with someone fairly major in jazz world that I'm not allowed to blab about yet because while it's pretty much a done deal, it's not entirely official yet so Eric asked me to keep quiet.

But yeah, Eric is also playing Bonnaroo and looking over that list, I'm not sure who he is playing with...I only know it involves bongos and belly dancers and his all access backstage pass enables to hang out with all of the bands mentioned.

"Oh, hi, Sting, nice to meet you but please do me a favor and put that fucking lute down before I crack it over your head and shove the splinters up your nose, okay?"

That's me speaking, not Eric. Eric is far too polite and kind.

You may have noticed I haven't mentioned Julie lately...that's because she's finishing her senior year at Drexel U and is buried deep in her thesis/senior project. In fact, I haven't even seen her for a couple of days but my straight A student/rock star also works at a fabulous restaurant a few nights a week so I think Gary and I may pop in on her tonight -- she takes really good care of us and I admit it, I get a vicarious thrill having her wait on me for a change.

Finally, congratulations to Scott Abernethy, who won the honor of having his artwork appear on Adrian Belew's Dust CD Collection and here's his award winner:

Pretty cool, huh.

So that covers it for today, I think, but who usual, if I get any interesting news, and trust me, I'm waiting on several things (again, as usual), I'll be back.